Hear complaints without becoming defensive

What do we have to do to be able to hear complaints or criticism without becoming defensive? We first have to be willing to know and accept ourselves. We really have to believe that we are good enough, lovable, and entitled--entitled to be happy, to make mistakes, and to ask for help.



"I am good enough"

"I am good enough" is not a response to criticism; it's what enables us to hear criticism. If I know that I am lovable and good enough, then if you tell me something that bothers you, I can listen to it because it doesn't mean I am a failure. I can hear, consider and understand criticism, and look for and negotiate solutions. But I have to start feeling good enough about myself so that when you tell me what bothers you, I don't hear it as an indictment or as an indication that I am unworthy.

The difference between love and approval

If I don't feel good enough about myself, and I think your criticism implies that I am not good enough, then I won't be able to hear what you say. I will have to negate what you say, or respond with, "Who are you to tell me all the things that are wrong with me? I have a whole list of things that are wrong with you."



There is a crucial difference between love and approval. We look for approval in the area of competence--whether it's competence at playing basketball, practicing law, or cooking a meal. And as children we need to hear a lot of approval for work well done or efforts made in order to feel validated. If we get the kind of validation we need as children, as adults we don't really need to turn to other people for approval: the only approval we need is our own. We do need other people for love; that we can't provide for ourselves. But we can set our own, realistic standards for what is "good enough."