Web of Jealousy

The Mission of PAIRS is to teach those attitudes, emotional understandings and behaviors that nurture and sustain healthy relationships and to make this knowledge broadly available on behalf of a safer, saner, more loving world.

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Overcoming Jealousy

Some say that when we feel good about ourselves, we are less likely to feel jealousy. This is true for many people. But it is also true that jealousy can be a cause of low self-esteem as well as the result of it.

Given a situation in which one feels outdone by a rival or forced to compete in what is anticipated as a lost cause, the resulting feelings of betrayal and rage, fear of loss, abandonment and humiliation can cause even high levels of self-esteem to disintegrate.

How do we deal with it?

One way is to develop trust in your partner and then risk confiding: to trust the other person with your honesty, willing to reveal your inner fears, and discuss rationally what you can, together, do about it.

It is important to take responsibility for your personal self-esteem, to know that you are "good enough, lovable and a pleasure" and that your partner doesn't have to be constantly present or attentive to validate those feelings.

It takes working on your suspiciousness.

It takes not expecting your partner to make up for a lifetime of feelings of deprivation.

It takes understanding, compassion, respect, trust and even reassurance.

It may take limiting certain behaviors that unduly trigger or upset you or your partner, when they are reasonable and manageable.

It takes mutual understanding and concern.

It takes honest talk.

It takes being trustworthy.

It takes attention.

All of these are well worth the effort to prevent jealousy and envy from ever playing a destructive role in your life!

Whether jealousy is a problem in your relationship or not, it may be useful to give it serious thought and to write your responses to the following:

1. Times I have felt jealous (going all the way back to childhood) ...
   
2. Times I have been the object of others jealousy ...
   
3. In my relationship, I've experienced jealousy when ...Seek forgiveness for hurts inflicted in the relationship by taking responsibility for transgressions, repairing and restoring damages, and expressing regret for pain experienced by partner. Partner, in believing the pain is understood, feels assured that transgressions will not easily reoccur, restores trust and forgives. Let go of grudges and choose to forgive.
   
4. In terms of my history, I suspect those feelings are related to ...Choose trust, truth, mutual respect and fidelity as the foundation of a lasting, loving relationship.
5. When and if I experience twinges of jealousy in the future, I can deal with them constructively by ...
6. Some ways your partner can help you deal with and overcome these feelings are ...

Consider sharing your responses with your partner. Be sure to embrace and thank each other for the gift of confiding, of feeling heard and understood on this sensitive, difficult to discuss topic. You may also find it helpful to journal about whatever further thoughts you have about jealousy, your experiences with it, your feelings now, whatever insights you have, any new decisions you are making.